AVM

The Rev Canon Tim Smart, of the Parish of Sutton and the Centre for Lay Education, rose to speak in the debate on same-sex blessings. A version was later posted on the website of the centre. Here are his comments, considerably condensed by the Montreal Anglican.

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Where do socks go after you put them in the washing machine? This deep theological question has been plaguing the human mind ever since the invention of the wash and spin cycle.

Who among us has not been befuddled and confounded when confronted with the spectacle of one lone sock?

For many of us, the remedy has been to put the lonely sock quietly away in the dresser drawer and forget about it; claiming that singleness is now its true vocation.

But for a significant minority, the answer has been to mix their

socks: grey with black, brown with beige, blue with navy blue. We now call such people heterosocksuals ? people who wear different kinds of socks at the same time.

Most of us have been reared in a culture and a religion which blessed homo-socksuality as the norm. The idea of people wearing different kinds of socks at the same time has sounded perverse and unbiblical.

But today, hetero-socksuality is all around us and many of our Canadian provinces have gone so far as to allow for the legal wearing of different socks.

As you know, the former Primate of the Anglican Church of Canada called together the brightest theological minds in this country to look at the whole area of human socksuality. They determined that the question of sock-wearing is a matter of doctrine to the Church, but not core doctrine. The conservatives pointed to a passage from Leviticus which declares that we should not wear materials of mixed fabrics, while the liberals, proclaiming that sock wearing is a justice issue, that must soon be settled so that we might go on to tackle other serious issues, such as the wearing of hats, gloves and snow boots.

Meanwhile, our blessed Communion is said to be on the brink of schism. One group prefers to call themselves ortho-socks, practicing ortho-socksy, while the liberal coalition likes to point to the widespread practice of hetero-socksuality as evidence of God's love of diversity and colour.

My Lord Bishop, I believe it is time for our Church to embrace all those who wear different kinds of socks at the same time. Let us show our love and offer the hetero-socksual community the same kind of love and acceptance we have offered the homo-socksual community, lo, all these many years.

URL for Parish of Sutton and the Centre for Lay Education:
http://www.montreal.anglican.ca/cle/articles/Motion%20L.htm

One Of His "Best Ever" Messages

The rector had launched into one of his "Best Ever" messages. He was about half done, at the 45-minute mark and just getting to the "good part," when a member of his congregation died.

Rushing to his office, he dialed 911. When the ambulance arrived, the paramedics carried out 51 people before they finally got one who didn't wake up when they got him to fresh air.

Colette from St. George's, Clifton Park

Names not yet taken by the so called orthodox:

Clergy Realigning Anglican Polity

Clergy Refining Unequivocal Doctrine

Polity Institute for Sacred Studies

Pretty Enraged Episcopalians

Prelates Operating Oversees Poaching

Studious Clerics Abasing Theology

Theologically Right Anglicans Intervening To Orchestrate Rancorous Struggle

Solipsists Muddying Episcopal Anglican Relations

Can you imagine yourself to be the nun who is sitting at her desk grading these papers all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure??

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. THESE COME FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST. KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING
THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF
ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE
DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE
WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE
DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD
WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT
UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA . THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS
IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND
STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT
THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS
IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS
BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT
ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE
TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS
ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY